funny quotes & quotations
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
YOGI BERRA
If I won the award for laziness, I'd send somebody to pick it up for me.
ANONYMOUS
Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.
DEMETRI MARTIN
attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes
I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.
DEMETRI MARTIN
stand-up routine
Hey, train wreck, this isn't your station.
ANONYMOUS
For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.
RAY ROMANO
stand-up routine
Climate change could eventually wipe out crops like strawberries and grapes. Even worse, that means edible arrangements will soon be 100 percent cantaloupe.
JIMMY FALLON
The Tonight Show, March 8, 2018
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG
attributed, The Ultimate Book of Quotations
Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.
HELEN ROWLAND
Of course Santa is dead, you force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?
JIMMY KIMMEL
Jimmy Kimmel Live, October 5, 2017
When I was born, I was almost fourteen years old. That's why I was able to understand more easily than most what it was all about.
EUGENE IONESCO
Jack
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
MARK TWAIN
editorial, Hartford Courant, Aug. 24, 1897
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
LOUISE BEAL
attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes