American talk show host (1947- )
In New York, we're out of road salt. So for the next big storm they have to use parmesan cheese.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Oct. 31, 2011
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Biteback Dictionary of Humorous Political Quotations
Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, Quotable Quotes: Wit and Wisdom from the Greatest Minds of Our Time
Charles Manson was going to get married. He's 80 years old, and serving a life sentence in prison. Well, the marriage is off. And today I saw that his profile was back on eHarmony.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, February 3, 2015
I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Great Quotes for All Occasions
You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes
Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, November 14, 2014
Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, December 18, 2014
New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, November 7, 2014
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.... I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Sep. 8, 2011
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Dec. 18, 2012
I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, December 16, 2014
A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, December 12, 2014
British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may have to start drilling for water.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Night with David Letterman, 2010
If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.
DAVID LETTERMAN
"Letterman Lets His Guard Down", Esquire, December 1994
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Mar. 20, 2012
Paul Revere had a time capsule. They opened it up after a couple of hundred years, and guess what they found? A stack of love letters from Barbara Walters.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, January 7, 2015
The new Dennis Rodman doll is $19.95, assault and battery not included.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, Biteback Dictionary of Humorous Sporting Quotations
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Night with David Letterman, March 5, 1993